Attachment vs Togetherness

In a world where we have been experiencing increased divisions, the time has come for us to lean into finding opportunities where we can come together. Let us do this with clarity, however, as there has been much research done on attachment theories and styles of connection.

It is important to ask ourselves whether our reasons for wanting to be with another person stem from a place of mutual respect and choice, or from a desire to gain a sense of security we don't feel capable of accessing on our own. For instance, imagine that a romantic partner only feels loved when their needs are being met by their significant other. When that is the case, if their loved one goes out to explore some independent passion, the first partner may fall into despair and anxiety. This may, in turn, lead them to begin using manipulative behaviours designed to bring their loved one back into their fold in the way they prefer. This sort of dynamic is not good for either partner. This dynamic is not an indication of healthy togetherness.

Let us not confuse an unhealthy desire to be together with the "love language" of quality time, though. Some people feel most loved through time spent together in an exchange of full, mutual, undivided attention. At such times, partners generally agree to focus on being 'present' and engaged with one another, rather than just being physically together. This may include having meaningful conversations, sharing in enjoyable activities, and actively listening to one another. My son is such a person. Driving long distances with him has been a beautiful way to fulfill his desire for connection. I think fondly about putting our favourite music on, cranking the volume, and singing at the top of our lungs - together. On one such occasion, an elderly couple passed our car and, upon witnessing the shenanigans taking place, enjoyed a heartfelt laugh with us. That moment felt like true togetherness - for my son and I, as well as for the passing couple.

A healthy desire for connection, without sacrificing personal boundaries, and with respect given to one another’s autonomy, is essential. In contrast to that, I was once in a relationship that involved heavy manipulation, though I was unaware of it at the time. What had once looked to me like the desire for closeness on my mate's part, I have come to understand was actually his need to exert power over my every move. I began to feel like I was suffocating. I was desperate to feel loved and appreciated and could not figure out why I was so unhappy. From the outside, it may have looked to many like I was part of a 'perfect couple'. There were no harsh words ever exchanged, for instance. On the inside, however, I was so lonely and sad. There had been a very subtle, slow loss of my own personal happiness. This time of my life provided an incredible learning curve for me. I am much wiser now. (If you feel the way I am describing, in any way, I recommend that you read, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans).

Beyond one-on-one exchanges, many people may also be confused by definitions of 'community', 'connection' and 'togetherness'. In the traditional sense, a community might be bounded by a physical space like a church or community centre, where the kind of connections that take place are based on face-to-face interactions and an emphasis on shared resources. Yet, we can participate in the kinds of relationships that arise in such spaces and still feel totally disconnected. One just has to drive down our suburban streets to see examples of that. Recently, I warned some foreign students not to take a shortcut across our neighbour’s lawn. As I explained to them that, in our culture, property is monopolized and owners tend toward possessiveness (i.e. “this is mine; not yours.”) I noticed I felt embarrassed. (You may already know how I feel about fences!)

I like to think of togetherness as something beyond defining walls. Jewish communities, to me, can be a great example of this. For thousands of years, people who identify as Jewish have maintained bonds of faith that endure despite geographical dispersion. What a beautiful example of how identity transcends physical location! I believe that so many of us have a similar feeling when travelling. When we meet people along the way whom we discover we have experiences in common with, or with whom we share interests, or who call the same region 'home', that is often enough to make us instant friends (“What? You canoe-tripped in Algonquin Park too?”)

In my research for this article, I came up with what I would like to use as a definition for the type of community where I believe true togetherness finds itself. Read the points below and see what you think. I would love to hear your responses! You can contact me here: admin@thecentrecr.org

• Formed around shared interests, values, or identities - regardless of location

• Connected through communication networks, rather than through geographical boundaries

• Membership defined by choice and affiliation, rather than by circumstances

• Can be fluid, temporary, or permanent depending on individual commitments

• Emphasizes psychological bonds and shared purpose, rather than a physical space

In the end, togetherness, for me, is a state of connection that is possible to forge while at the same time maintaining individual autonomy. It is always characterized by mutual respect and choice, and its creation stems from desire. This togetherness allows space for individual growth and expression, and its root is healthy relationships and healthy living.