As I arrived back from my extended travels, the email from CRA landed in my inbox like an unwelcome gift - an invitation to audit my 2023 tax submission. After unpacking my suitcase and starting the first load of laundry, I headed to my computer and fired it up. Eleven hours later, I had all my receipts in order, ready to deliver to the accountant.
Interestingly, through this experience fear hadn't rippled to the surface of my mind, but doubt and questioning had. “Did I do something wrong?” “Was my reporting true and valid?” “Am I in trouble?” I even considered an idea that I was wrong for claiming my expenses. "Perhaps I don’t deserve the success I’ve achieved". (WOW!)
This internal investigation, led by a harsh and suspicious inner voice within me, had me pondering the significance of this CRA journey. (Some call what I was experiencing "imposter syndrome"). The hours of painstaking work gathering and reading tiny bits of paper, then sorting them into piles to be totalled, gave me an opportunity to contemplate my default self doubt reactions. (I don’t think I’m alone in having this type of response).
Perhaps, as developing humans, our doubt evolved as a survival mechanism, encouraging caution and self improvement in uncertain situations. Our culture places a high value on achievement and success. A push to "do better and be better" increases self scrutiny. (Under pressure, I say!) Thankfully, our brains are adaptable. Realizing this gives us the opportunity to then change our patterns of self doubt through strengthening our neural pathways associated with support and confidence.
Fortunately, my internal 'tool box' is loaded with coping mechanisms, the most important of which is self compassion. I have learned to take myself aside, to find a quiet place to contemplate and pray, and to practice self soothing exercises. After calming my inner critic in this most recent scenario, I was able to call the accountant to create an action plan. I also shared my concerns with friends and family, who rallied around with their understanding and support. Then, knowing my brain wouldn’t relax until the job was done, I set to work. (I have never been afraid of hard work). There, beside my filing cabinet, in front of my computer, I took in a deep breath and affirmed, “You can do this.”
So, is this article about audits? No. It’s about the undercurrents of conversations we are having with ourselves. Our inner voices are either supportive - encouraging us to step up and step forward, trusting ourselves in life, or they are doubtful, judgy, mean and critical. We know the difference, because we feel it when we get out of bed in the morning. Is our idea of the day ahead filled with dread, or is it filled with a sense of possibility? I know life can feel really hard sometimes, especially with the weight of dark, wet Fall weather, but there is always a way to build self trust and inner peace. (You know what, though? It's best not to try doing it alone).
This is why I do the work that I do through The Centre. I believe in the power of a faith practice, and in learning about our true natures together. I am determined to challenge stories of doubt and negativity because I believe in an Infinite Universe that is expansive and good. I know that what I focus on expands, so I do the hard work of focusing on possibility and I honour that the opposite of the old stories I once believed is also true. I envision a world that is a happier place for everyone together, and I know that it begins with me.
(Fun fact: did you know Canada’s first federal income tax was implemented in 1917 as a temporary measure to fund WWI efforts? Curious! )
Despite the anxiety and stress all this recent uncertainty revealed, I can tell you that I remain unafraid. I am armed with self compassion and a supportive network of friends and family. The government actually owes me money. In the worst case scenario, I will simply get a little less of a refund than I had anticipated. In the best case, I have grown stronger, more resilient, and I feel better equipped to face life’s uncertainties by having faced this unexpected challenge, and I know for certain that change is inevitable.