“Some only help us to endure, while others transcend conditions, and demonstrate an invisible law which has power over the visible” Ernest Holmes ~ The Science of Mind
In the beginning years, in my role as Spiritual Director at The Centre, I use to set up the meeting room very early in the mornings and play this song by Karen Drucker over the sound system, while singing at the top of my lungs:
What is mine to give?
What is mine to do?
All I want is to share
myself with you.
So I stand here asking
what can I do?
What is mine to give?
I give it to you.
I heard these words and took them to heart, believing I was in service to the ‘needs’ of every person who walked through the doors. This is an easy assumption to make, in a culture that values and rewards acts of service. So, with a deep desire to help, I gave my heart and soul to every person.
26 years ago, I fell in love with a philosophy that changed my life. I travelled along the healing journey from an ‘unconscious life’ to a life that felt inspired and empowered, discovering ‘greater Good for me’ at every turn along the way. As a teacher at heart, I was determined to share the tools I’d learned with others, so that they might experience the same sense of greater fulfillment that I had. I let people know I would stand on my head if it would help impart this profound wisdom, and I was rewarded for this attitude. I created a thriving, inspired community - almost single handedly. Here lay the mistakes of a ‘Hero’.
Feeling unappreciated at home, I had sought out a career in finding people I believed needed me and wanted my help… oh dear.
Please know that not one ounce of this behaviour was conscious. I really believed I was making the world a better place by ‘saving lives’; relieving the pain of others, and solving all conflicts. My heart was in the right place. I really wanted others to experience greater joy and fulfillment. But, I was going about it in a very co-dependent way.
I multitasked through various roles… cheerleading, listening, analyzing, providing easier and better ways for others. I was on duty 24/7, and at the service of members and friends through ‘solving dysfunction’ and ‘taking away their pain’… by doing the hard work for them. I was the ‘nice gal’, who seemed super competent. Many referred to me as “The Energizer Bunny”. Truly, I was awesome! … or was I?
About 5 years into my career, I was up for ordination (a kind of tenure granted in my line of work). Interestingly, although I had an exemplary centre that was demonstrating continued growth, a TV show, a magazine, students, Practitioners… in other words, I appeared to be ‘doing all the right things’ to be deemed worthy of a gold star, the ordination panel withheld their recommendation of me, advising that I needed to, “do some shadow work”. Today I see how, even though they didn’t seem to know how to help me get what they believed I needed, the panel was on to something very deep… perhaps deeper than they were able to articulate. The fun-loving, high performing, over-worked, care-taking young woman before them needed to do some shadow work. I was going about the task of ‘making a difference’ in the world in a very dysfunctional way.
Life went on. In another year I was ordained anyway, but not much had really changed around my community. Without realizing it, I was attracting many people who believed they needed and wanted ‘my help’, in one way or another. The small community I built in Campbell River, on my own, was the talk of the larger organization. ‘Jill was doing great work!’ …HA! What they didn’t know!
Today, Karen Drucker’s words have taken on a new meaning for me.
What is mine to give?
What is mine to do?
All I want is to share
myself with you.
I am learning to transform my care-taking into encouragement; inviting self-empowerment, and then facilitating progress.
What is mine to give is a belief in every person’s ability to self-create the life they desire.
What is mine to do is to see all situations as opportunities to learn, and to help others claim 100% responsibility for their own lives and experiences.
It is time for me to stop taking the responsibility for everything, and for everyone else’s feelings.
The best way of sharing myself is through knowing that Jill is full of life and living her truth. By doing this, I demonstrate ‘a life well lived’ that others might mirror. By being all of me in my true delight, I give others permission to be all of themselves as well; living into their own genius.
I want to apologize for any of my past past behaviour where I took on more than my own ‘100% responsibility’, and thereby did not leave space for others to claim their own personal power.
As I develop my role as Coach, I want to speak to the discomfort some people may feel as I no longer engage in ‘fixing’ and ‘hand-holding’. It may seem that I am being uncaring, but the total opposite is true. My love for you has grown to where I now know that you don’t need me. You are powerful beyond measure. There is so much more good that is possible in your life, and I am choosing to no longer get in your way. I am going to listen more deeply, ask questions and support your new and unknown story.
I know that every situation is an opportunity to learn… for you and for me. I aspire to continue along the path of my desire to facilitate self-empowerment. You are my equal. You don’t need fixing. I love you and I am grateful that you are in my life. I no longer need to be ‘your hero’.
I walk beside you as your equal. This is ‘what I give’ to you.
~ This week, think about where you might be busy living everyone else’s lives for them, or trying to solve other people’s problems for them… have you been taking on that which is really there for them to take their own responsibility for?
~ Consider where that energy might be better channeled into living your own best life, while allowing other people the space to face the challenges in their lives themselves, in order to learn for themselves how powerful they truly are.
~ Think also about where in your life you may be wanting someone else to step in and ‘fix’ things for you, or make things easier… might that be you giving away your power?
~ How might you take 100% responsibility for only your own life; more fully owning that you are the only one in charge of what is manifesting within it?