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  • Writer's pictureJill Brocklehurst

Guarded

"So much of our ordinary thinking lapses into habitual patterns, with little variation from one day to the next. Our lives mirror this and fall into serial monotony interrupted by episodes of trouble, panic, and loss.”

Ernest Holmes, The Science of Mind

I get it. Breaking down the protective shields we've built to keep ourselves safe from harm can feel like a life-threatening endeavour. I've been there, repeatedly, and I have no desire for you to experience the intensity of vulnerability as I do. Honestly, it can be incredibly frightening! I would prefer that you feel safe, warm, and happy.


However, I've come to realize that when I affect a constant state of ‘joy’, it is often a cover. Yes, it can look as if life is an ongoing stream of happiness, but the deeper truth is that I often grapple with emotions of depression, loneliness, and even self-hatred. These feelings stem from deeply ingrained old beliefs. While my conscious mind knows these beliefs aren't true, they can feel real, and in the depths of my being a burning sensation can threaten to consume me entirely.


Fortunately, I possess a resilient, do-it-yourself personality that helps me to push through these low moments. Yet, this self-reliance can also serve as a barrier, keeping people like you at arm's length. I stay busy, constantly engaged in activities, and accomplishing a great deal. Or, when I'm not occupied, I tend to retreat, embarking on solo adventures or immersing myself in the garden.


Nobody would be any the wiser….

I recognize a fear… that if I were to allow you into my world, you might discover a truth that I've tried so hard to conceal. That is: I may not be as brilliant as I've always strived to portray. My father, and my past experiences in school reinforced this notion, creating doubts within me about my potential contribution to humanity.


What if it's possible for one to uncover that my generosity and desire for giving actually serve as a facade; masking this deeply ingrained belief in my own lack? Then what? My initial fear is that you would perceive me as less valuable, and that this would potentially lead to rejection.


As humans, we possess a multitude of fundamental needs, including the desire to feel completely safe and to cultivate connections with others that foster a profound sense of belonging. Yet, how dare I risk belonging? This seems to go against my every survival instinct.


However, we have evolved beyond a mere response to instinct. We possess an intelligence of mind, heart and gut that can access a greater Truth. Within me, multiple internal dialogues may play out, but I can select which one to lead with, excising the others as old stories and false beliefs.

I can choose to risk unveiling my true self. I can allow those who desire more from me to drift away. And those who love me still? .… Well, I will keep you close, as I journey into uncharted territory.


Who else would I want by my side?


Yes, it’s you… the ones who watch me stumble and are still there to help me rise again. You… the ones who think I am pretty cool just the way I am. You’re the ones willing to open up and be vulnerable with me. Together, we can boldly navigate this crazy and eccentric world, unveiling a life rich in new possibilities. This prospect excites me and motivates me to carry on.


Today, I let down my guard so that you can truly see me. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I instantly feel relief. My day has just become a little bit brighter… how about yours? Let’s risk together.

ACTIVITIES for TRANSFORMATION


~ Focus your attention on a situation that provokes frustration or irritation in any way.


~ Take a journey back in time, as far back as your memory allows, and envision the earliest instance when you felt these same emotions. Where are you and who are you with in that memory? (Try journalling to aid this process).


~ Reflect on what you learned about life, and about how to engage with the world around you, during that time.


~ This unspoken, unhealed narrative is the source of the emotions you're currently experiencing. The circumstances in your present will continue to prod at this emotional wound until you bring awareness to it and allow it to transform and heal.


~ Record the wisdom you have gained as a result of this process.

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